A dull voice reached his dazed mind. The sound must have come from somewhere behind him but it could as well be just from everywhere.
The sound was nagging and Jin wanted to block it out again, keep his focus on the beautiful, sexy Kame who was licking the traces of their pleasure off his fingers, but when he managed to focus, he saw a change in Kame as well, something like panic and Jin’s head started to spin, more like before, more out of control.
This must be the moment where everything turns over and Jin squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the pain.
Yamapi had been on his way to the restroom when he had registered movements on the side.
The corner was darker and a bit more secluded.
As an idol with lots of experience with party life and people who partied more than any other kind of human beings, he was used to a lot but it was never a bad idea to catch some gossip first hand.
You never knew which favor you could get out of whom with a little extra info.
What Yamapi saw though, when he had stepped closer, caught him completely off guard, even if he hadn’t expected much.
This was way past everything he could have imagined seeing.
First it had just been Kame’s pleasured face that appeared behind someone’s shoulder, a guy without a doubt.
He had his legs linked around the man’s waist and they were moving frantically against each other.
He had wished to never see Kame like that. It was like watching one of your siblings getting it on, but Kame making out with a guy wasn’t anything to worry about yet he had known for a long time about the other’s preferences.
It didn’t take Yamapi long though to realize ‘who’ exactly it was Kame was making out so shamelessly with and the idol’s face paled.
This couldn’t be happening, Jin couldn’t be so out of it that he would do something like that!
“Jin, what are you doing?”
Neither of them seemed to react, too engrossed into panting and rubbing their bodies against each other.
Yamapi just wanted to cry out in shock, turn around and run away as fast as possible when he had to watch how the two continued without paying attention to the world around them, obviously getting past the point of the peak of their session.
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying hard to erase the picture out of his head again, without much success.
They were his friends after all. He couldn’t just leave them to themselves, obviously intoxicated enough to start something like this.
He called for his friend a few times but still neither reacted to him so he stepped closer, grabbing Jin by the shoulder to pull him away from Kame.
It wasn’t difficult to spin the taller around and Yamapi was surprised that there was no fight, no resistance.
Jin looked at him with shock-widened eyes and panic in his expression, immediately raising his hands in defense as if Yamapi would want to beat him up.
He couldn’t keep his balance though and crashed into Yamapi’s arms, making the idol wonder how aware of his actions Jin still could be.
Kame sank to the floor resting against the wall with his face covered in his hands. Shaking all over, he shook his head over and over again.
“This is a dream, a dream, only a dream.” He lifted his gaze meeting Yamapi’s startled one.
“Tell me that this is just my fantasy, my messed up drunken mind. Please don’t tell me this is reality!” he begged his friend before he ruffled through his hair the growing panic inside of him was eating him up.
Only now did he notice the flashing lights, the loud beats that were busting out of the speakers and the crowd of people cornering them…talking about them. And then he saw the familiar silhouette leaning against Yamapi’s shoulder and his heart seemed to stop.
Jin clawed into Yamapi’s shirt for support, refusing to open his eyes out of fear what kind of a monster would eat him if Kame hadn’t killed him yet.
Yamapi watched in horror how Kame seemed to break apart. Those two idiots, what have they been doing?
“You smell odd,” Jin released a hiccupping giggle that made Yamapi roll his eyes. He couldn’t check on Kame if Jin was laying half on his shoulder and being a dumbass.
The idol slowly guided his friend down on a couch at the side, making the older occupied with holding his balance on the backrest.
Quickly Yamapi rushed over to Kame, kneeling down in front of him.
“Hey, are you alright?” He mustered the other, trying to read his panicked expression. Of course he was not alright, but he had to find out to what extent.
Kame lifted his gaze and he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore that started flooding down his cheeks. The alcohol made him even more emotional and weak, leaving no room for aggression.
“I-I am so sorry for creating a mess…” he started babbling in between sobs desperately circling his arms around his best friend’s neck, trying his best to push any other thoughts to the back of his mind.
“-istake, I made an awful mistake. Oh god I feel so dirty…wake me up. Pull me out of this nightmare!” Kame cried against his best friend’s chest.
Now Yamapi also slowly started to panic. He had never seen his old high school friend so devastated.
He soothingly put his arms around the trembling man and pulled him into a hug.
“Sssh, don’t hate yourself for what happened. You were just too drunk. Things like this happen.”
Yamapi bit his lip. This might not be the usual drunken mistake people make at parties but he wouldn’t smash the info in the other’s face.
Telling him he had gotten it on with a straight guy who will probably hate himself for the rest of his life for what happened wasn’t information he should share either.
“It’s ok, Kame-chan, don’t drown yourself in regret. Everyone makes mistakes like this.”
“Home. I wanna go home. Please take me home Pi.” Kame kept crying childishly hoping that the last hour could just be undone somehow.
“No no.” he furiously shook his head and looked at Yamapi out of tearful eyes.
“T-this isn’t an acceptable mistake, not even one that can ever be forgiven. Oh god, how could I? With him? A-after I have sworn to never let anyone close again.” Kame’s breathing sped up and then he just fainted. Quietly into Yamapi’s arms while a last tear dropped of his chin.
“Kame, Kame!” Yamapi slightly shook the other’s shoulders. “Shit,” he cursed when no reply came. He lifted Kame up, cursing under his breath for what his friends made him go through. They better get their shit together.
“Oi, Hidemi! Watch that guy for me, will you?” Yamapi gestured with his head to Jin who had passed out in the corner. “He’s passed out but if he freaks out, call a doc. I don’t know how much that idiot swallowed. I’ll be back in a minute.”
The idol carried Kame outside to one of the waiting taxis, carefully letting him down on the backseat.
The driver didn’t look so pleased but when he recognized Yamapi, he swallowed his protest.
“Bring him to his home and make sure the receptionist gets him to his apartment.” Yamapi told him the address Kame had told him the other day and handed the driver a 10.000yen bill.
“That should cover for your inconvenience and his safety.”
Yamapi didn’t like it at all, leaving Kame alone in a state like this. The other needed someone to be there for him, but he couldn’t leave Jin either and he knew it would probably hit the other harder when he realized what he had done.
Yamapi quickly went back in to get his other friend out of here after he had watched Kame’s taxi disappear around the next corner.
A while later the Taxi driver stopped in front of a huge apartment complex. Cursing, he opened the door to walk around his car and pull the back door open to drag the sleeping person out of his car.
Ryo who hadn’t been able to reach Kame since they had parted that morning had finally decided to pay Kame’s apartment a little visit. Since his friend would neither answer the door bell nor his phone, he simply sat down on the doorsteps and smoked a cigarette. His long time friend and secret love had changed so much during the past half year. Kame wouldn’t show weakness or pain in front of him anymore. The other always appeared like an emotionless shell who walked through life only for one reason: Revenge.
How much Ryo wanted to offer the other a shoulder to lean on, a warm embrace to give him hope and a feeling of happiness again. But deep inside Ryo knew that probably only one person in Kame’s life had been able to reach Kame’s heart. Only one.
It was past midnight when Ryo slowly stood up, tired from waiting and ready to return home when a taxi stopped in front of him.
The driver dragged a pale, sleeping boy out of his car, visibly annoyed by his customer’s wasted stated.
Ryo’s eyes widened. He would recognize this boy no matter in what state and he rushed over to them.
Firmly he pushed the driver aside and lifted the sleeping boy up on his arm, carrying him bride style.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing! Yamashita Tomohisa himself assigned me to take this person to his apartment safely! Put him back down!” the driver was furious or rather afraid of the idol’s grudge if the assignment wasn’t carried out as agreed.
Ryo turned around, his eyes dark like coal and his voice threateningly deep.
“Tell your idol to go fuck himself and his orders! I would never allow a filthy old man to touch this beautiful person. You can be lucky that I have my hands full, otherwise I’d have already ripped you in pieces for just ruthlessly dragging him out of your fucking car! Take your taxi and get the fuck out of here or I’ll suit the action to my words!” he growled, taking a step closer to underline his threat.
The other man didn’t hesitate and jumped into his car, leaving only the sound of squeaking wheels.
Ryo watched the car disappear in the dark night. His gaze softened when he eyed the face of the sleeping boy in his arms.
“Did you get lost again Kame? Don’t worry, I’m here to take you home like old times,” he whispered caringly.
Carefully he pressed the other’s head closer against his chest and carried him upstairs to his apartment.
Arriving there he released a slightly bothered sigh. Where was the key?
Luckily he found what he was looking for in the bag Kame was holding onto.
Ryo unlocked the door and kicked it open for them to enter. Another skilled kick and the door fell shut again.
The apartment lay in silence. Only the moon was providing some light. He found Kame’s bedroom without much effort and lowered the thin figure onto the soft sheets.
Ryo sat down on the rim of the bed gently brushing the fading trails of tears off the other’s face.
“Why won’t you talk to me anymore when you are suffering? Don’t you see me anymore as a person you can rely on?” he asked into the silence.
Suddenly Kame shifted positions and blinked into the darkness. The alcohol was still controlling his body and the only familiar face that came in sight was Ryo’s.
“Ryo? Where am I?” he slurred exhaustedly.
“At home in your bedroom. A taxi brought you here apparently from Yamapi’s party where you passed out drunk and I helped you upstairs,.” Ryo answered truthfully.
Kame’s eyes filled fresh tears.
“T-then it was really not only a dream? What am I supposed to do now?”
Ryo was startled by the other’s sudden emotional outburst which should probably be blamed on the consumed amount of alcohol.
“Shhsss everything is fine Kame. Calm down and sleep for now. We can talk about what happened there tomorrow when you are sober again,” he tried to soothe the whimpering boy who didn’t seem to listen though.
“Sleep with me!” Kame demanded out of nowhere, sending his best friend a desperate look who lost his speech for a moment.
“W-what?” he doubtfully asked after gathering himself.
“I-I have to forget tonight. Distract me! I know you want me!” Kame almost pleaded him and Ryo bit his lips torn apart. What the hell had happened at that party that Kame would come to him with such a request? Something was awfully wrong.
When Ryo didn’t move or show any attempt to answer Kame’s request the later straightened up and pulled Ryo closer on his shirt.
“Sleep with me like old times, please! Make me forget what I did tonight!” Kame pushed on.
Ryo hesitated but then he started to slowly trail his finger’s over Kame’s smooth skin. How much he had missed this feeling and the other’s scent. He lowered his head kissing Kame’s neck who was trembling underneath him. However, it was not the one out of pleasure but the one caused by crying.
Ryo stopped immediately meeting Kame’s tear flooded sight. His stomach twisted and he drew back.
“I can’t,” he started and earned a confused look from Kame in return.
Ryo laughed dryly and gazed at Kame with a sad expression.
“This is not right Kame. As long as you are still so deeply in love with that man that causes you to cry each time another man touches you than I won’t sleep with you. Cherish yourself, come back to your senses and then come to me. Until then I’ll be watching you from the side like I always do.” He brushed through Kame’s hair who was returning his sad gaze.
“Am I not lovable?” he asked in a shaky voice. Ryo swallowed hard. It hurt him to see the person he loved the most in so much pain.
Gently he laid a hand on Kame’s cheek and shook his head.
“No, you are the most lovable creature on this planet - at least for me and you’ll always be. Now sleep, you need it,” he whispered, knowing that Kame would have forgotten about his words in the morning anyway.
Kame nodded and obediently snuggled into his warm covers and fell asleep only a few minutes later.
Ryo kept silently watching the beautiful man bathed in the moonlight for another hour.
“One day my love for you will kill me,” he smiled sarcastically and stood up. It was one of the nights where he just wanted to drown his own frustration and sorrows in alcohol but Ryo knew he couldn’t do that. Tomorrow he had to work and be there for Kame. There was no time to pity himself.
From the day they met and Ryo had found out about Kame’s suffering, his fate had been decided. Never would he leave Kame’s side. Come what may, he would try to protect him even if the other doesn’t answer to his feelings.
Ryo locked the door and pushed the key under the door gap. Then he headed back to his own place and laid down for a few more hours.
Jin shifted, dragging himself slowly out of his sleep.
The first thing he realized was that the surface he was laying on, was soft. He hadn’t passed out on the floor this time.
On the other hand, the surface was too soft to be his bed as well.
Jin cracked an eye open. He was in a different bedroom.
After a while of looking around, he realized it was Yamapi’s bedroom.
The next thing Jin became aware of was the immense cotton fluff, stuffed into his head where his brain must’ve been a few days ago. It was not only eating his head from the inside, it was also 3 times as heavy.
Jin felt weak. His tongue was dry and swollen and his whole body was numb.
Clumsily, Jin robbed off the bed, he needed water, fast.
How had he managed to end up in Yamapi’s bed anyway?
Stumbling outside, he was greeted by bright daylight inside his friend’s living room.
The other was sitting on his couch, watching TV.
He turned around upon hearing his bedroom door.
“Jin, you’re alive.”
It sounded something like a question, but more a surprised realization.
“Water…” Jin just mumbled, finding the way into the small kitchen himself.
Yamapi was pretty rich, earning a lot of money, but he hardly cooked, so he thought there was no need for a big kitchen.
Fetching a bottle out of the fridge, Jin turned back to his friend, falling on the free space besides him.
“Are you alright?” Yamapi asked carefully.
Jin looked back at his friend. “Yes, I think so.”
Yamapi’s expression changed immediately. “Good, because I really want to beat you up right now.”
Jin’s eyes widened. “W-what? Why?”
“Things can’t go on like this! Jin, you’re out of control. You have to stop your downwards spiral! Either that, or I’m letting you get committed into a rehab, if I have to against your will.”
A flash of panic rushed through Jin. “No! What? What did I…” Jin’s voice faded.
He slowly realized, that he couldn’t remember anything about last night.
Neither how he got here, nor what he had done before that. The last thing he remembered, was how he arrived at Yamapi’s party.
“Pi…what happened? What did I do?” Jin wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know.
Yamapi shook his head, laying a hand on Jin’s shoulder. “Trust me, it’s better if you don’t know.”
Jin closed his eyes with a groan. “That bad?”
“It’s not you anymore.” Yamapi sighed. “You step over the last boundaries and if you’re there, everything can happen. And it will, believe me., I’ve seen other’s going down this road.
You’re still at a point where you have something left. Don’t wait until everything’s gone before you do something against it. You can still save yourself.”
Jin shook his head. “You don’t know. I already have nothing left.”
Yamapi bumped Jin’s shoulder, a bit annoyed. “Didn’t you tell me, you had a good day at work yesterday? So don’t tell me now you have nothing left. And you have me as well.”
Jin looked at his friend with his big, sad eyes. “It’s all worth nothing, if one important detail is missing.”
“Stop it!” Yamapi’s voice rose. “You have to accept it and move on!” Yamapi’s voice softened again, when he saw how Jin was breaking apart on the inside. “I’m sorry, Jin. But you’ll have to face the truth and start living again.”
Jin nodded, resigned. “I know, Pi. But I also know, that I will never find happiness again, so I have to find the best way of living my life, until it’s enough.”
“Not like this.” Yamapi laid a hand on Jin’s. “You can’t go on like this. You’ll destroy yourself sooner than you think. I’m not going to watch you do this! And you‘re not only hurting yourself, you‘re also hurting others.”
Yamapi had Kame’s tearful eyes in his mind but he wouldn’t bring this up to Jin. It was for the better if at least this part wouldn’t eat his friend up further.
“I’ll think about something.” Jin got up to go to the bathroom. He needed to splash cold water onto his face.
Looking at himself in the mirror, Jin hardly recognized his face. He looked exhausted and sad. He could almost pity himself.
He leaned in closer, mustering himself with narrowed eyes. His lips looked swollen and they felt slightly bruised when he licked over them with his tongue.
Jin started to slowly feel his body again and he didn’t like it that much. His head hurt from trying to restore the last night but nothing came.
He suddenly felt uncomfortable in his own clothes, probably nothing unusual after sleeping in them but this was a bit different. He could feel his pants sticking to his skin.
Jin’s eyes widened. This couldn’t be.
It took him a moment to get out of his state of shock. What had happened to him? What had he done?
He was a guy. He knew exactly ‘what’ had happened but how could it have come this far? He was sure he hadn’t just dreamed a bit too vividly. That wasn’t explaining his bruised lips.
There was only one explanation. He must have had a pretty forceful, probably completely messed up encounter with a stranger.
Jin had to hold himself at the sink to not lose balance. This was worse than just embarrassing himself in front of Yamapi’s famous friends because he was too drunk and high.
He didn’t want that. As much as he craved for physical contact after more than half a year without getting laid, he didn’t want it to be with anyone except for the one he loved, even if he would stay like this for the rest of his life.
But of course his body would act otherwise. At some point it must’ve been inevitable for him to snap, a moment where his mind was out of service and his bodily needs had taken over.
Jin could feel how tears of frustration formed in his eyes and his hands tightened into painful fists.
He had betrayed Kame again.
Jin knew that the thought was stupid. He was technically single and Kame probably wouldn’t give a shit if he was dead or alive but it didn’t change anything about how he felt.
He just couldn’t kill this feeling of betrayal inside of him that he had found pleasure with someone else, not even remembering who it was, not even knowing if it had been a guy or a girl.
Remembering Yamapi’s words of ‘trust me, you don’t want to know what happened’ wasn’t encouraging and Jin felt broken like never before.
...to be continued.
1. Feeling butt hurt cause Jin can't remember the last night?
2. Surprised that Ryo is actually a good guy?
3. Wanting to kill us for writing more angst?
BRING IT ON ;))
We see you guys at the next chapter!